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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 18, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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there. obviously having trouble captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, thank you, please. ladies and gentlemen, let's get right to the big news. mysterious letters sent to president obama and mississippi senator roger wicker. tests indicate these letters contain the poison ricin. sadly when you're in the public eye, this stuff happens. that's why i never open my own email. this is a fast-moving story and there's still a lot we don't know. for instance, there's a senator roger wicker? there's only 100 of these folks and i never heard that name before. roger wicker does not sound plausible as a senator. sounds more like a patio furniture store. next thing you're telling me there's a congresswoman jennifer convertible. so, the point is we don't really know that much about this ricin situation, but in boston 48 hours after the horrific tragedy
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there has been a major breakthrough in the reporting of all the other things we don't know. >> investigators have identified a suspect. >> i was told by law enforcement official that this was a dark-skinned male. >> suspect has been arrested in the boston bombings. >> the suspect was a dark-skinned male. >> getting some conflicting reports about an arrest. >> there is no arrest. we knew we were close. apparently no suspect at hand or one arrested. they might be close or they... well, they might have arrested. >> right now we don't have any reports. >> we don't know who is saying what to whom. >> we don't know. a dark-skinned male. stephen: so, no arrest but at least we have not wasted any precious time not being suspicious of dark-skinned males. but there is one thing i do know, folks, is that i am heavily invested in something called bit coyne. now if you don't know what bit coyne is, want to buy some bit
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coyne? no? are you sure? okay, jimmy. >> tell them what it is. it is digital coins treated between computers. the writer of the program created a finite amount. like gold, the value changes daily. >> bit-coin is gold for nerds, if you will >> stephen: yes. gold for nerds. or as we nerds call it, mithril. stronger than steel. mined by the dwarfs moria until they dug too deeply and released her in vein. and released durin's bane. you know. bit-coin. bit-coin joins a rich tradition of made-up currencies like camel cash and the euro. but inlike currencies run by a cabal of central bankers,
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bit-coin is a purely online currency with no intrinsic value. its worth is based solely on the willingness of holders and merchants to accept it in trade. that's right. bit-coin has worth just because a bunch of people on the internet have agreed that it is worth something. like psy. >> essentially the online world is the central bank here. just imagine if the federal reserve was taken over by gamestop. now you can get bit-coin by this process called mining it which is using your computer to crunch a bunch of numbers or something but you can also buy it. so as a threud investor, i waited until just the right moment. >> i remember when i was trying to encourage people to buy bit-coins, i first publicly recommended it around a nickel a coin. now it's $133. >> last thursday bit-coins were selling for about $130.
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earlier today they hit an all-time high of $266. >> stephen: buy, buy, buy, buy. bit-coin plunging more than $200 in value. it took an absolute nose dive. >> it crashed. bit-coin's value crashed. >> bit-coin is going bananas. i'm ready to vomit after what had happened today. >> stephen: i don't understand. how did this unregulated imaginary currency invented by an anonymous hacker and backed by the full faith and credit of you-tube comments ever go wrong? here to tell me, please welcome one of the hosts of n.p.r.'s planet money, adam davidson. adam thank you so much for being here. all right. okay. adam, so what caused this crash,
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okay? was there a bit-coin bubble? >> which crash and which bubble stephen: the crash that just happened this past week where it was at $266 and went down to $56 or something. >> it went up to 100 and down to 60 and down to 95 just today. >> stephen: at this moment do i buy or sell bit-coin, this second? >> never buy bit-coin would be my advice >> stephen: it's a hot new thing. yp shouldn't i buy the thing that is sometimes worth something? >> if you do have money that you have no need to use ever again in your life and you want to see what happens with it, that's a reasonable investment but there's absolutely no way to know what it's going to be worth in five minutes let alone five years. >> stephen: is there anyway of knowing what gold is worth because gold is... what is gold worth? gold just tanked. the worst day in 33 years. >> the problem with thinking too much about these questions is you start thinking, wait, what is money? what is value?n: am, what is mo?
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what is it? what don't i get about bit-coin? how is it not money? >> well, it is money. i like money. but money that has a very long history of backing by a government like the united states government that has hundreds of years, trillions and trillions of dollars. >> stephen: how did bit-coin get where it is if there is nothing behind it, how did it get there? >> it is an unbelievably cool computer program. it has figured out all sorts of things about how to create trust among weird strangers on the internet who will never meet each other. >> stephen: that sounds like a pyramid scheme or something. could there be some guy at the middle of this who created it who is just raking in all the cash and everybody else is is a cash. >> the guy in the middle of it or the guys or the girls or the computer >> stephen: we have no idea who made it. >> we know a name but we know nobody is called that. somebody out there says...
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>> stephen: it sounds like a fake name. there a place where bit-coin is? >> it's kind of like bit-torrent in the sense that it is all... >> stephen: all pornography. and game of thrones. >> stephen: what can you do with it other than to have it? can you do things with this? >> yes, there are ways to use it to buy and sell >> stephen: what are people buying mostly with it? >> drugs, credit cards. illegal >> stephen: you can buy drugs now though? what's the value of buying drugs with bit-coin. >> for someone who wants to do something shady or someone who is just a fanatic apt eye government libertarian is there's no way to track you. if you use your credit card online they can figure out who you are. >> stephen: no one buys drugs with a credit card, man. like $20. you know, no one is tracing that, you know, nothing, you know, tune in.
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cash is untraceable. >> cash is untraceable but you do have to meet people. today i wanted to buy bit-coins so i can tell you what it was like. and what i found was a guy named trader 675 was willing to meet me for cash so there would be no traceable, you know, no credit card transaction >> stephen: you're on the n.p.r. right? >> okay stephen: do you guys take bit-coin in exchange for like tote bags? do you guys take it as a donation? >> we don't yet. stephen: maybe, if bit-coin gets there, we know bit-coin has made it. >> that's a good point stephen: thank you so much for joining me. host of n.p.r.'s planet money adam davidson.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. nation, i am a huge fan of country music. from hank williams to lucinda williams to venus and serena williams. they are to country music what brooks and dunn are to tennis. and my favorite country singer is brad paisley. i love all his songs from alcohol to camouflage to toothbrush to chicken chet. he writes a lot of his songs inspired by validating his identity at websites. but now paisley is inspired by a much higher goal: solving
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racism. folks, let's take a little listen to paisley's new song "accidental racist." ♪ to the man that waited on me at the starbucks down on main ♪ ♪ i hope you understand is ♪ when i put on that tee-shirt, the only thing i meant to say is i'm a skynyrd fan ♪ the red flag on my chest somehow is like the elephant in the corner of the south ♪ >> stephen: that's right. calm down, african-american baristas. everyone knows this flag up here just means someone's a skynyrd fan. the same way that burning a cross just means someone's a madonna fan.
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by the way, jefferson davis, ge fan. got on board way early. folks, paisley is so committed to kick starting a dialogue between blacks and whites that he even started one mid song with n.c.i.s. gloss star linebacker l. cool ., who -- and i did not know this -- is also an aspiring rapper. jim? ♪ gee, mr. white man, i wish you understood what the world is really like when you're living in the hood ♪ ♪ just because my pants are sagging doesn't mean i'm up to know good. i'd like to buy you a beer, conversate and clear the air but i see that red flag and i think you wish i wasn't here. ♪ i'm just a white man ♪ ♪ if you don't judge my do-rag ♪ ♪ comin' to you from the south land ♪ ♪ i won't judge your red flag ♪ tryin' to understand what it's
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like to not be ♪ i'm proud of where i'm from ♪ >> stephen: that's a pretty good deal, paisley. l.l. will forget 250 years of enslavement if you accept his taste in accessories. nation, i thought racism ended when we elected the first black president but it turns out he was just the opening act. because this song has united all americans not just black and white but latino, asian, muslim, pacific islander, inuit. all of us to join our voices as one and declare: this song sucks! ( cheers and applause ) i've got to say, this level of unifying suckage has inspired me
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to write my own awful song... ( cheers and applause ) ... in the hopes of bridging another deep cultural rift in america: the gay marriage divide. so tonight i'd like to present a song i'm calling "oopsy daisy homo phone." jim-it. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ to the man stretching next to me ♪ ♪ at the crunch gym down on main ♪ ♪ i hope you understand ♪ when i told you "god hates fags" the only thing i meant to say is i'm a skynyrd fan ♪
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♪ hey, mr. straight man, i wish you understand what it's like to live in the world when you look this good ♪ ♪ it don't make me a freak that i run six times a week i'd love to buy you a mojito, gossip and clear the air ♪ ♪ but i see your show each night and i think you wish i wasn't queer ♪ ♪ i'm just a straight man. i'm not trying to be rude when i see you kissing dudes ♪ ♪ i'm proud of my hetero cred. >> i'll forget what you said about monkeys ♪ now that gay is fine let's deal with palestine ♪ two state solution, baby. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ♪ i'm just a straight man, a certified titty
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight won a tony award as the emcee in cabaret but he is best known for busting rhymes in the monster hit single oopsy daisy homo phone. please welcome alan cumming. ( cheers and applause ) hey, alan, thanks so much for being here.
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listen. you clean up real nice. >> yeah. as a shakespearean actor, that was my gay urban look for you >> stephen: you have so much rage. a gay urban to shakespearean actor. >> yes stephen: you and i have healed a nation already tonight. but i want to talk about another project we're doing right now. tony-award winner. stage, screen. musical recordings. you've got a new c.d. the head that wear the crowns speeches for royal men by william shakespeare. i've got to learn those. more importantly you're on broadway right now in an incredible feat. you are doing a one-man macbeth. ( cheers and applause ) >> no stephen: you're not on broadway. >> two other people in it. stephen: our on broadway playing macbeth and 16 other parts. it's like 16 parts in macbeth.
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>> when people say one man i don't think that's fair >> stephen: i hate it when people call this a one-man show too. okay. why are you playing so many roles? is this penny pinching? you also run the concession stand. why so many roles? >> it's because i'm playing... we have this added narrative on top of of macbeth where i'm a psychiatric patient who is brought to this unit and has psychosis doing macbeth. he is observed by two other people >> stephen: does he think he's all these characters? >> he's telling the story. he's acting out the story. but somehow his story of why he's come to be in that psychiatric unit and the story of macbeth kind of fuse at a certain point and you learn things about him >> stephen: can we stay macbeth or do we have the scottish play? >> i say macbeth. i think it's dopey >> stephen: you're from scotland. you can say it.
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>> in the theater and everything... i just think... i couldn't get... to be playing like all these parts to have to skip spin around, you had to swear and say like... >> stephen: really? it's cable. what do you have to say? >> (laughing) stephen: you don't have to. okay. all right. but here's what i don't get. this whole shakespeare thing. i don't usually go for the elite hoyty to ity shows. i like my broadway shows to be adapted from a reese weatherspoon rom-com. why should we still listen to shakespeare? what does he have to say to us? >> well, he's got a lot to say about psychology, i think.
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he actually predates modern psychology. freud and yung. that's why we also made this set in a psychiatric unit to explore all that. he's got amazingly accurate and insightful things >> stephen: i don't understand why macbeth is upset because his wife just says to him, hey, you should kill the king to become king. that's just politics. why do you think macbeth wimps out so much when lady macbeth has got the real, you know. >> going back to freud he said this very interesting thing about macbeth. he said they're really two parts of the one person. they make up a whole person. i have sex with myself. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you know what? i think a great many people have
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played those parts. all right. okay. do you want to play any other double roles. do you want to go a one-man 12 angry man. romeo and juliet? >> romeo, i really wanted to do a production where i play macbeth one night and lady macbeth the next. it's about mask lint >> stephen: the whole play is play is four hours of speaks peer. >> the girls are going show us your balls. they're always saying that. in romeo and juliet. that's a common thing for actors to do. i think i've done it now. this happened by accident. it's become sort of a, you know, a feat for me to deal with these things. i think when this one is finished it will be a time to do a play where i have... i can't like cough or fart or
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it's really really... i know this sounds crazy. imagine an hour and 40 minutes when you can't swallow or cough or burp or fart. imagine. >> stephen: remind me not to go to a dinner party with you. alan cumming, thank you so much for joining me. the play is macbeth. the man is alan cumming and the cd is the head that wears the crown. -x,x,yye,x o$,v1
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh frank: you got to be careful of the wire, charlie. charlie: i'm not going to pinch the wire. - i know what i'm doing. - 'cause then the brake's lights don't work. - i know what i'm doing here! - okay, make sure it's on tight. it's on as tight as it's going to get, dude! it's on good and tight. hey, dennis, i think we should get, like, a gps system 'cause these maps are from, like, the '70s. gps system? oh, hell no. that's going to ruin the road trip experience. we got to go do this old-school, baby: maps, fresh cigarettes, fresh coffee.